In addition to bad cafeteria food and small dorm rooms, there were tons of odd people and curious happenings at college. What at first seemed like a spectacle, soon became an ordinary occurrence for me.
For example, when a person with spiked orange hair, several body piercing’s, leather clothing (with camouflage accents), a powder-white face and raccoon eyes walked into an English lecture, I was not surprised after a month or so. There was likely a problem behind that behavior, but it wasn’t affecting me, so who cares. Although, if that same person walked into one of my commercial flight training classes, I would have to ponder the possibilities — “Dudes and Dudettes, this is the captain shoutin’ out at ya. We’re currently pretty high up and headed toward a really big town. And, if you want to see my co-pilot’s new tattoo, come on up and check it out. Later gator.”
One day during class registration week, I was walking toward the registration building, planning to sign up for some courses for the next semester. It was mid-morning (10 AM) and there was hardly anyone around except for myself, and the driver of a little red car trying to Parallel Park in front of the building.
The driver was seemingly struggling with the operation. From quite a distance I could hear the revving engine, slipping clutch, and the screeching of the power steering pump as the steering wheel was cranked to its maximum rotation in each direction. These parking spots were highly coveted, so I could understand the desire in the driver’s heart. I could also understand that not everyone in the world has Parallel Parking arrows in their quiver. It was attempt #2.
As I came closer I was able to pick up a few more details. The little red car had a very dull finish and the muffler was dangling a bit. Three of the four hubcaps were missing-in-action and the front and rear bumpers had a number of, shall we say, undulations. To protect the identity of the car, we’ll call it a Foed Phee Esta. To protect the identity of the driver, we’ll give her a Native American style name, since that genre of naming provides insight into the name holder (For example, Sitting Bull). The name in this case was Life Skills TBD (To Be Determined). Attempt #4 was in progress.
When I came within a hundred feet or so I was able to see that the parking space Miss TBD was trying to occupy was approximately able to host a full size American car from the 1970’s, OR three Foed Phee Esta’s. I stopped behind a nearby tree so I could take in more of the drama without her noticing me (I know - cruel, but very entertaining). However, based on the number and severity of the aforementioned undulations, I might have been able to stand anywhere with orange, spiked hair and thirteen nose rings, without appearing on her radar screen.
At this point, I had seen a number of parking “configurations” presented by Miss TBD. I saw the right-rear wheel up on the curb, with the other three well away. I also saw the both-right-wheels-up, two-well-away orientation. Of course there were several of the standard configurations being presented such as the four-wheels-well-away, or the one-wheel-nearby [the curb], three-well-away. Attempt # 7 was in progress.
The human desperation of the scene was starting to have an impact on me, with both of us now sharing the pain. It’s like watching a two-year-old trying to eat peas with a spoon, but the peas keep falling off as the spoon reaches the lower-lip threshold.
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| I shuddered and realized that I needed to get in the building to get registered for my class. I walked past the roaring Phee Esta on my way to the building. She noticed me and decided to drive away. I went in the front door of the building, looked back and found that she was doing a standard “go around”– a flight pattern term used for a failed landing attempt where you pull up and go around for another try. On a commercial flight this would lead to a Federal Incident Investigation. But thankfully, for Miss TBD, it only leads to more clutch wear.
I went up and registered for my classes on the third floor. Outside, I could still hear that outside the building, the hills were alive with the sound of parking. I had a warm feeling in my heart knowing that my car was on the other end of campus, undulation-free. And I couldn’t wait to finish registering so I could catch the sequel outside - Parallel Universe, Return of the Phee Estador.
When I came out it was already over. She had parked the Foed, satisfied and on her way. I noticed that she went with the both-right-wheels-up configuration, which does have excellent symmetry, sporting an even number of wheels up on the curb, as well as down. Although, it does increase the “my owner abandoned me” aura by 25%.
Some 10 to 15 years later, I now understand the experience more fully. Miss TBD’s parents knew better than to send their daughter to college with a big car, or a new car, or an expensive car. Instead, they found her something that had the best chance of fitting into the most possible spaces, while being able to sustain extensive surface damage with no impact on its resale value. Genius!
A note about undulations: Sir Issac Newton’s third law of physics states that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. When applied to Miss TBD’s Phee Esta, we note that to place an undulation upon her bumper, an equal and opposite undulation will be placed on someone else’s bumper (all else being equal – steel strength etc.). Which means that one Miss TBD rear bumper equals between 20 and 30 corresponding, slightly damaged, front bumpers on other cars. Ouch.
So, I ask, how many Miss TBD’s do you need to parallel park a Foed Phee Esta without adding undulations to the rear bumper? Answer: Two. One to drive, and one to duct tape to the rear bumper for protection. (Additional Miss TBD required for front bumper protection. Some assembly required).
I have three young children myself, and I am looking for pictures of Phee Esta’s to hang in their rooms when they turn 15 – motivation to improve their driving skills. But this is not to help them strive for a better car than the Phee Esta – as you might be thinking. The caveat is that IF they improve their driving skills they will GET a Foed Phee Esta. Otherwise, they will each get one of those little Shriner cars (with the go-cart chassis) we often see in the local parades. I haven’t seen them in a while it seems, so I’m wondering if they might be for sale? I need three with low miles and good rubber, please.
That’s my report from the “Big City”.
Brian in the Big City
Employee #0090698
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