WARNING: Rated “UM”(Uncomfortable for Minnesotans) by the Newspaper Association of Minnesota. Select aspects of this column are not suitable for many Minnesotans, causing general discomfort and stress.
We have all heard the term, “Minnesota Nice”. Many of us have gone for years wondering what it really means. Others have traveled extensively and had experiences elsewhere that substantiate the label.
Minnesotans, when asked, will reveal quite a variety of definitions for Minnesota Nice. One common example given is the Minnesotan who will help with your flat tire. Another is the Minnesotan who is very hospitable to those in need. Still, others have no idea what it means and question it’s validity.
It is clear to me that Minnesota Nice does NOT mean that everyone in Minnesota is nice, even some of the time. We clearly have grouches and curmudgeons just like anywhere else. Some would like to explain away our Minnesota growlers by saying they must be transplants from somewhere else, like New York or Wisconsin. This may explain some of them, but I’m from Minnesota and I’m grouchy a lot, so I don’t agree. Yet, the implication is that Minnesota has a higher percentage of people who are nicer, more of the time.
However good it might be, there are a few down sides to Minnesota Nice.
For example, three men are approaching an open doorway. The first two to reach the doorway are card carrying Minnesota Nice residents.
As they reach the doorway, the niceness begins with the hand gestures to welcome the other to go first. When the hand gestures fail to woo the other into going first, it turns verbal (i.e. after you, by all means, I insist). You would think there was a Minnesota Nice point system whereby you get more points if you follow someone through the doorway. Meanwhile, the third fellow (not eligible for any points) has to simply stand there until the champion of nice prevails.
Our second scenario has four Minnesota residents approaching a four-way stop AT DIFFERENT TIMES. The first guy is the chronic accommodator. He is already waving to the second guy to “go ahead” before the second driver even arrives at the intersection. The second driver is hesitant about going first and is also wondering if the first driver maybe needs assistance with a flat or something. The third driver is definitely not going first, and wonders if the first two know each other. The fourth driver is trying to signal the third driver that his right front tire is a little low, as a courtesy of course.
Our third scenario is the proverbial “something on the other person’s face” situation. It’s a real pickle for many Minnesotans.
You might be thinking I’m going with a food example here, and that would be a good guess. Minnesotans don’t want to break the embarrassing news of “something” on someone else’s face. Many of us survey the item on the face and make a quick assessment about what to do. It’s a touchy call to make. That’s why it is nice to have the ultimate resource and authority on the matter, Minnesota Nice — A Niceness Code of Conduct.
I decided to look under the “Something on Someone’s Face” section of the code, to see what I could find. It clearly reveals different options for different conditions; here are a few of them:
1) If the item is crumbly, and appears it may fall off at any moment, the Minnesota Nice code regards this as “imminent tumble”. Hence you are NOT obligated to say anything. And when it does fall off, everything will be just fine.
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| 2) If you see something on someone’s face, but you are unsure if it is foreign or natural, rest assured that you are covered by Minnesota Nice code, section 3, paragraph 1, whereby “unidentified facial material does not constitute a reporting obligation upon the beholder.” By the way, the statute of limitations on this is only 60 seconds, so if you figure it out 10 minutes later, you still have the amnesty you need to avoid the subject.
3) If you see something on someone’s face, and it appears the item originated from inside their nose, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING under any circumstances. According to the code, “Nasal material on someone’s face is beyond the call of duty for any Minnesotan. As a passive people, we are looking forward to future technologies to shoulder these burdens of disclosure.”
The Minnesota Nice codebook has a handy quick reference section in the back, should you find yourself in a unique situation requiring a rapid decision.
For example, you’re having a perfectly normal day with a friend at the mall, when you suddenly discover your friend has one lens missing from her sunglasses (this actually happened).
The bad news: they are on her face and she is behaving in a way that tells you she is actually unaware of her condition.
The good news: you are finished for the day and parting ways.
You believe your friend is going straight home via automobile, but you cannot be sure. If she goes to the bank or post office instead, and you say nothing, then she will make a fool of herself and you will have guilt. What’s a good Minnesotan to do?
Well the Minnesotan in this story could not bring herself to say anything, I think partially because she was half overcome with bewilderment. I mean, come on, how could someone not know?
Had she referred to the guide, she would have found section 6, paragraph 4 on Apparel and Accessories Woes. There it clearly states that half flipped collars, unzipped flys, splitting pants, excessive buttocks visible above the belt in a non-plumbing situation, and any similar apparel anomalies, must be reported promptly, yet gently. It goes on to recommend that you should follow the declaration with a palletizing statement like “It happens to me all the time”, or “That’s nothin’, you should have seen my uncle Bob when he . . .”
The woman with one lens did go straight home. When she took her shades off, she discovered the conundrum. She immediately called her friend and they were laughing so hard they could barely speak.
The next time they got together, with a larger group of friends, all except one got together early and put new sunglasses on, each with one lens missing. When the original one-lens wonder walked in (with two lenses now), they all acted like nothing unusual was going on.
It seems Minnesotans are not able to confront these things when it is awkward. But once everything is aired out and the potential embarrassment is low, we are regular comedians.
I love Minnesota.
That’s my report from the “big city”.
Brian in the Big City
Employee #(0090698)
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