I received a tech support call from my mother the other day. These calls for computer assistance generally alternate back and forth between my brother, Brent, and I. We both actually like helping out. But we also enjoy acting like it is a big burden, so we can give mom a hard time.
Once in a while, we get a contender for the tech support “lowlight of the year”, when something really goes awry. These moments are generally painful, and not seen as funny for at least 30 days.
Reality Shifts
My mother wanted to be able to select more than one item at a time in a particular grouping or list, when dragging the mouse is NOT an option. She also wanted to do this whether the desired selections were contiguous or non-contiguous.
To begin (for contiguous selection), I asked her to hold down the shift key while making specific beginning and ending clicks with the mouse. She did so, and reported that it didn’t work. I repeated the instructions and still, it didn’t work. I asked if she was pressing the shift key and she affirmed that she was. I became more specific and detailed with each attempt to instruct her in the operation.
Our mutual frustration was growing. I again questioned if she was pressing and holding the shift key and she responded (now with additional “tone” in her voice) that she was, in fact, pressing the shift key. I opened my email program to mimic the steps myself. It worked just fine for me.
At some point my mom asked if I could hear the beeping and said, “listen”, holding the phone up to the speakers while pressing the shift key again. Sure enough, her now blaring presentation revealed a high-repetition, steady beeping was coming from the computer speakers. I found this to be odd since the shift key is known as a passive, modifier key. It does not beep — at least that I have ever known.
Just about the time when my head began to ache as I questioned my own knowledge of computers and technology, my mom said, “Oh, wait (long pause) . . . oh jeez (longer pause with sigh) . . . I was pressing the space bar.”
My Therapist Won’t Return My Calls
I have pondered this scene at different times since it happened. Not unlike some of the other great mysteries of life such as the chicken-or-the-egg problem, or the origin of the universe, I have tried to understand the “how” and “why” of this moment. The result of that deep contemplation is found here in the following list of explanations:
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| Top Ten Reason’s My Mom Pressed the Space Bar (and not the shift key)
10. Ten years of horse-pill sized vitamin supplements has finally taken its toll.
9. My mother is famous for not wanting anyone to feel left out. With two shift keys on the keyboard, she might be pressing half way between the pair to ensure fair and equal treatment.
8. She has suddenly taken up heavy drinking.
7. The first typewriter was invented in 1829 without any shift keys at all. Hence, she may still be accustomed to the original.
6. Not unlike the biggest prize at the county fair’s ring toss game, the space bar’s sheer size can be trance inducing, rendering my mother unable to resist it.
5. There’s a secret George W. Bush brain-tapping program, whereby a CIA agent is making her type poorly, plus other ACLU atrocities we don’t even know about yet.
4. She is simply getting even with me for all those little decorative items that I knocked over and broke as a kid.
3. My mother is getting her facts from recent episodes of the television program, The View, where the gaggle of female hosts recently concluded that, based on recent fashion trends, the space bar IS the new shift key.
2. My father may have been pestering her from the couch across the room, asking distracting and unhelpful questions like: Is the computer on? Did you put in a quarter? Have you taken your meds yet today?
And the number one reason my mom pressed the space bar (and not the shift key):
1. Her guardian angel occasionally “looks away” after discovering that she recently added the “Three Stooges” to her collection of angel figurines.
For the record, my mother is a reasonably skilled computer user. I think she was just tired that evening, with a few other things on her mind. Besides, she really doesn’t need to pay attention to any of my instructions, since her tech support contract with me is free-of-charge for as long as she wants.
Since it is free, I don’t feel quite as guilty about picking on her more than she has actually earned — dedicating an entire top-ten list to her one gaffe. Well . . . I do feel a little bit guilty.
On the other hand, her siblings (particularly her brothers) will heap thanks and praise upon me for making this ammunition available for upcoming holidays and family events.
That’s my report from the “Big City”.
Brian in the Big City
Employee #0090698
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