I work in a warehouse district about 2 miles NE of downtown Minneapolis and drive home via downtown each day. Long gone are the days when it was cool to see the Metrodome or the towering skyline. All I focus on now is the dreadful traffic and how to avoid it.
You would think, with all of the downtime people have sitting in traffic over the years, that by now all of that collective and focused genius would have yielded a solution to the congestion problem by now. Whenever my parents come to visit from the farm back in Russell, MN, we usually end up discussing my dad’s transit solutions and specifically his “Air Tube” Transit system idea (similar to bank drive-thru systems where you put your deposit into the capsule and put the capsule into the vacuum tube). To be fair, he really doesn’t think about it except on these trips to visit us, but it makes for some zesty debate at our house none-the-less.
With his idea, we all flow around the metro in individual “pods” (shaped like capsules) inside clear plastic tubes, pushed or pulled (or both) by system wide air pressure/vacuum. My dad is quick to point out that nobody ever gets in an accident because of the cushion of air between each pod — if one is moving they must all be moving within that segment. He also indicates how quiet it would be without motors running and how smooth it should ride on a bit of air underneath like an air hockey table.
Since some of us would make a mess in our pods, it is clear to me that we won’t be sharing our pods, each of us then needing to purchase our own. We would still need parking, and I am assuming that there are numerous entrance/exit points where one is somehow inserted or extracted, similar to a river lock system or something.
Of course, if I owned my own pod, I would want a nice one — say, a Cadillac or Lexus pod, or a sporty Corvette pod. A 4x4 pod would suddenly have no purpose. Although, one could still go with the Monster Pod package (hood scoop on the front with a little flame along the sides), placing terror in the hearts of the “plain pod” drivers. Ultimately, we would still have pod envy and I would probably still have a mini-van pod for my family.
I, personally, can see other benefits to the tube system. For example, we would be dealing with tube rage instead of road rage. Tube rage would be inherently better. If someone were going to express their tube rage, they would do so with the understanding that their maximum impact would be visual only — along the lines of an angry Garfield suctioned to the inside of a window. On the other hand, we would still have the vast array of liberal “pod stickers” (I mention liberal only because most bumper stickers fall into that category in areas where mass transit is desperately needed. I won't bother examining the how and the why behind that.). Of course other high forms of communication would be also be flowing openly, such as sign language for the hearing, etc.
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| Drive-by shootings would become drive-by “aimings” since the risk of ricochet would be 100%. There would be no horns to honk, no bugs splattered on the windshield and no more speeding tickets either. One could read the paper and freely sip his/her potion since there isn’t a steering wheel to manage. And hey, a little extra cash would net an extended pod, where one could actually lay down, looking up through the clear pod roof and tube to the cheery blue sky. Although, the top of the tube is probably covered with dust/grime and bird droppings, so, eyes closed may be best.
We would especially need soundproof pods to contain those people with the loud speakers shaking the tubeways. There would still be pod registration taxes and license fees, so don’t get too excited. MN/DOT workers would be adjusting tubes instead of patching roads, which means we would need to modify the “five guys leaning on shovels watching one guy dig” jokes. And I do still have questions about access to fresh air. I mean, come on, when we see someone driving today with their window half down in the winter, you know something antisocial is going on in there.
Hitchhikers are going to have to make some adjustments. And mechanics that don’t do business aboveboard are going to have their work cut out trying to get you to spend more money to repair these simple pods — “Well Mam, it’s worse than we thought. While installing your new ‘Sensual Ocean’ air freshener, we noticed that the outer hull of your pod has been weakened by UV rays. We’re gonna need another $3000 to re-skin it. We’re not pressuring you to do this right now,” (he hacks up a wad and spits on the ground), “but you do run the risk of disintegrating in a fiery ball of death over the next 2500 miles or so.”
I’m not sure what will ever become of the Tube Transit System, but whatever does breakthrough in the future of transit, it probably won’t be in my lifetime. I should probably just move the family back to Russell, get out of the traffic, and enjoy brushing up on my small town driving “full hand” wave, and my country driving “first finger lift” wave. I kinda miss that. We don’t do any of that in the Twin Cities. If I wave at someone on the freeway up here, the person I am waving at will spend the rest of the day wondering why, and likely need counseling and rehabilitation to get “centered” again.
That’s my report from the “big city”.
Brian in the Big City
Employee #(0090698)
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